![]() Radiotherapy was, surprisingly, quite acceptable, especially since this was the prime cancer killer. I had a couple of uneventful, 'what was all the fuss about,' radiotherapy sessions before my first chemotherapy session. Two weeks later I received the biopsy result even at this stage I believed that there was nothing sinister and was still shocked when told by the consultant that it was, indeed, cancer.įive weeks later treatment began. A right tonsillar resection under general anaesthetic was completed three days later and sent for biopsy which coincided with the passing of my aunt, my second mother, so from the outset I was not in a good place. I also remember being horrified at the size of this pear shaped alien in my throat and so, so grateful that whatever was going to happen it was going to happen quickly. I remember the consultant saying 'I'm putting sinister back on the table', arranging a CT scan that afternoon and then rapidly reviewing it with me all in an hour or so. Life, in the space of a few minutes accelerated out of control. With this calming 'nothing sinister' phrase ringing in my ears Christmas came and went and appointments altered to accommodate holidays so it was the end of March before I first saw the specialist and heard the news. I twice heard the phrase 'nothing sinister' at the hospital which reduced my sense of urgency and made me feel kind of silly and embarrassed that I was wasting people's time, but it did pique my curiosity as to what actually this ever enlarging lump was. In the end I bit the bullet and wrote out my own referral form to my local oral and maxillofacial surgery department and had a dentist colleague from the practice I worked in sign it. You wait for this 'blocked salivary gland' to clear itself and you know, in your heart of hearts, that it will not. ![]() You stop pestering as frequently as you used to as you begin to believe that you are making yourself look paranoid, a hypochondriac, stupid. I knew there was something wrong but after so many friends telling you it was a blocked salivary duct you start doubting yourself. Today, nearly four years on, if I allow myself to visit this dark area, I am still annoyed, angry and frustrated about my colleagues – and I include my general medical practitioner in this, who was unwilling to refer me for a consultant opinion. From first feeling a lump under the angle of my jaw on the right side as I was driving down a slip road onto a dual carriageway, to getting the heart stopping diagnosis, had been, I feel, a comedy of errors. It had taken more than six months to get to that stage. I told them the results of the recent biopsy and made clear to them that I wasn't going to die, certainly not from this cancer and told them that it was important that they never let the thought enter their minds either. She walked out of her work with me and we went to tell our two sons, then a 16-year-old and a 21-year-old. From there, I made my way to my wife's workplace and broke the news to her. Luckily, I worked in a nearby dental practice and so I made my way into the practice managerv's office, a friend of mine and had an emotional and tearful ten minutes. I had attended the appointment by myself as, after hearing so many colleagues tell me that there was 'nothing sinister', there seemed little point taking my wife along for a wasted hour. ![]() I had to stop, take a moment leaning against a lamp-post before moving on. The enormity of that short 'You've got cancer' sentence really hit home. ![]() No, the one and only moment that it truly hit home was shortly after I had been given the diagnosis and I had left the department of oral and maxillofacial surgery and was walking back to my car. In quiet moments and if you didn't check yourself, you could find yourself wondering how people would reflect upon you at your funeral, who would be there and stupid things like, 'Should I write my own eulogy?' When I caught myself thinking along those lines it took an effort to pull myself back to the here and now. Even when I was told that I had an HPV-positive cancer and was introduced to a Macmillan nurse, I didn't think for a moment that it would be my end. Never! That thought wasn't allowed inside my head and I refused to allow my family to consider it either.
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